Today is day one of of my joblessness. Actually, I went through day one about six months ago, when I first got sick at my old job. But this feels like day one all over again. I have very mixed feelings today. TECHNICALLY, I still have a job….I haven’t been canned yet. But I’m out on medical leave, I’ve been at this job for seven weeks (back at this job…I DID work here for 11 years, but left for 1.5 years), so of course, I am sure they’ll let me go soon, and rightly so. They have a business to run, after all.
So here I sit. On today’s agenda, I’m going to make some sourdough bread, do some laundry, and reschedule my son’s windshield replacement. Maybe I’ll clean a little bit, too.
But where do I go from here? I just don’t know. I’m not good at many things. I’m pretty decent at listening and helping others (thank you, MS in Counseling)…I’m a good student. I like to bake, especially breads. I have no idea how I could ever translate those things into making a living wage again with all of my limitations thanks to my POTS and autonomic neuropathy problems. I don’t know of any regular-paying gigs where you can work a few hours here-and-there when you feel decent. Maybe eventually I’ll figure something out. I want to figure out those things TODAY, but that doesn’t seem likely.
I also worry about how we’re going to handle money around here. My husband said the sweetest thing to me yesterday. He said, “You’re my favorite person in the world. Why on earth would I kick you to the curb over something as stupid as money? That’s ridiculous.” It was one of the kindest things anyone has ever said to me. But I’ve been financially independent since I was a teenager. I have no idea how this is supposed to work. If I want a pack of gum, do I have to ask for money? I know this is something we have to work out, but this seems so alien to me. It may be quite some time before I see any type of disability money, so I suppose I’ll have to somehow get used to it.
Today, I do feel a bit down. And bored. But, I didn’t have to wake up at 5:30am today and crawl (literally) to my office to work. I won’t have to start working again at midnight tonight and work until 10:00AM, then have my husband practically carry me to the bathroom all evening. Getting a normal amount of rest seems to be helping some. Actually, a lot.
But this is hard. I’d rather be working than feeling like this.